Control Issues

Friends, as you may have seen from a social media post, I lost control a few weeks back.

I lost control, and it wasn't a bad thing. Maybe a bit inconvenient, but not a huge problem. But it got me thinking about control issues, and I'm gonna lean into the symbolism on this one.

From what I learned growing up, the thought of losing control is a big nasty terrible thing that we never do as good people.

I get it, this makes a lot of sense. But some folks mentalize the shit out of this and get some wildly warped conclusions about it, like a kid taking an idea out of context and running with it, telling everybody who will listen with no context whatsoever. This can go wrong for a lot of people for a lot of reasons, and I can speak on my mind and my experiences specifically (your mileage may vary since I can only really speak on my experience and my expertise - I’m not gonna pretend to be the expert of your life, bc your life is different from my life. But maybe it’s relatable, pick it up if it serves you and don’t if it doesn’t)

Out of control = bad. I learned this growing up. "You're out of control!" is decidedly and insult and is therefore bad.

Does in control = good? Some may say yes definitely! I say not necessarily.

Let’s separate control from the moral "goodness or badness" dichotomy for a moment.

Is it always bad to be out of control?

Is it always good to be in control?

Is it never good to be out of control?

Is it never bad to be in control?

If the answers are all yes, then the idea of "control=good and out-of-control=bad"are strongly fused together. If there's nuance to these answers, we can disentangle the connection of control-goodness and work with these ideas independently.

As for why morality and goodness is so ever-present in my life that I needed to see myself as a "good person" otherwise I'm damned for all eternity - it could be normal, could be just how I am wired, could be a preacher’s kid thing, could be a cultural thing, could be an obsessive-compulsive symptom of scrupulosity, could be the complex trauma. Depends on the perspective, I guess. My upbringing and diagnoses are for another post.

I'd like to offer a brief nitty-gritty semantic difference here - control is not good, and control is not bad. Control can be used for good and can be used for bad, but control isn't a morality thing. Saying something is "good" or "bad" is inherently a moral judgement, or at the very least, we're using the language of moral judgement. Although ideas of morality and goodness seep into just about everything we do, this can actually be an unhelpful way of looking at things if we want to go beyond black-and-white thinking. As well, it can be used to subtly judge and ostracize people without overtly judging and ostracizing. This is convenient for people who are judgmental but don't want to admit they're judgmental.

It's not overt because I don't have to say "I'm judging you" for people to know I'm judging them. If I'm in a group with 8 other people and I go down the line and tell 7 of them that they're good, what is the 8th person supposed to think there?

Now here's where it goes sideways for me...

For whatever reason, I thought that it was my responsibility to consider everyone's opinions, manage others' perception of me, and bear an impossible amount of responsibility that I never needed to carry in hindsight. I could control what people think of me by performing! And since it was my responsibility and was in my control, it was my duty to! I was in performance groups by age 7, I got good grades, and I tried my best to do all the good things (even when I was very ill, because if you take a day off to rest that's bad). I was being so good! I was doing all the things, performing under pressure, and being nice to everyone around me to boot! I had everything under control, and that was good so I was good!

Except, this is how it actually went. I was good until I wasn't. I had things under control until I didn't. I could perform all the things and do it well, until I couldn't. I worked hard, achieved, and overachieved and that meant I was a good person, right? Except that I didn't realize how much of my self-esteem and self-concept was fused to these ideas of being good. And since my goodness was conditional on success and performance, then when I'm not succeeding and not performing, I am not good, and therefore I must be a bad person who doesn't deserve to feel good about themself. Because my goodness was so fused with my self-concept, I unfortunately learned these lessons and had these thoughts early on and throughout my development, and the people in my life unknowingly reinforced this with so much praise for my accomplishments that I got the idea that I am only worthy of praise when I'm in control.

Here's the kicker...

The times I have been most miserable in my life is when I was clearly not in control AND I believed I was in control. Or believed that I should be in control. Or believed that it was my job to be in control of things I inherently can't (such as the opinions of others).

Accepting that I’m not in control of everything is much easier when I recognize I don’t need to be in control of everything. In fact, there are plenty of things in life that I’m so glad I don’t control and don’t pretend I control them! Big scale - government, economy, geopolitics. Small scale - my feelings, my relationships, my thoughts, and my life (to an extent, of course).

There was no peace for me while trying to control what I can't. There was no peace for me as I ambitiously dedicated myself to pursuing big accomplishments and "live up to my potential. There was no peace for me once I accomplished those things. It was never enough - on to the next mountain, no time to smell the roses or enjoy the view.

The peace came when I realized that I didn't have control over a lot, and I accepted it. I don't need to be in control of everything. In fact, I don't even want to be in control of everything. It's exhausting, and I'm tired.

I want to be very clear about what I'm not saying. I'm not saying or suggesting that we should now release all control over all the things in life or anything like that. As well, it's the opposite of helpful when we look at the things we have control over, throw our hands up, and declare "Nothing can be done!" This is a fast track to hopelessness, and I refuse to be hopeless (shoutout Viktor Frankl, what a bro). There are times we are in the driver's seat of action, and I believe we have the responsibility to. But how to tell? I keep going back to the Serenity Prayer for guidance...

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Grant me the courage to change the things I can.

Grant me the wisdom to know the difference.

And after all that, the Quintessential Question I keep coming back to:

“What am I in control of exactly?"

Part 2 on control issues to come, with notes on my control-issue-recovery process.

And for those of you worried about me losing control, don't worry I found it!

All the best,

Quinn West